I Am Awful At Sticking To Things

Wow. I contuinally impress myself with my ability to forget to write here. At least it wasn't a three-year gap this time, though.

I was just thinking about what to write about when it hit me: I have a problem with sticking to things. When I started this blog, I was so excited to write about things that interest and concern me, but I only have a handful of posts. I create things, like this blog, then toss them to the furthest corner of my mind, never to be seen again. After casually discarding ideas so flippantly I do actually feel slight remorse and anger at myself, but then I also forget to even feel these things. I had hoped that by this age I would have slightly more drive and will-power to actually pour my effort into a couple of sources, but I'm as scattered as ever.

And then I wonder if this is even a completely negative thing. People always say that getting experiences from lots of places is a positive thing. But then again, perhaps I'm just stretching myself too thinly. Surely having fewer experiences but of higher quality would be better?

I believe I've stated this before, but I need to start expressing myself more. I need to peel myself away from the comfort of passivity and minimal communication before I turn into a literal bag of flesh with no emotion; I already feel disastrously boring. And I swear to God, if I forget to write here again I will be so mad.

Doing What I Want

I've always been a pretty passive person. I don't speak my mind too often, and I'm inclined to be dragged along with other people's plans. I can't say this has ever bothered me too much; I've never actively worked against it. Sometimes it's nice to not have the responsibility. However, I think I've reached a point in my life where I need to take control.

I'm currently undertaking an English degree. I love it, and I love what I'm able to do right now. It allows me to be creative but to also be analytical, critical, and independent with my research. My parents (especially one of them) wants me to go into a professional, high-paying job. Whilst this sounds fine, they don't seem to see the importance of my happiness. I need a job where I can feel enriched and most of the office jobs that are being suggested to me just aren't what I'm looking for. Don't get me wrong, I know how privileged I am to be saying this. At the moment, as a student, I'm looking for any type of work - I couldn't care less about job satisfaction since I just need the money. The idea of repetitiveness is what terrifies me, and I don't want to spend the rest of my years doing a monotonous job that drains the life out of me. Our society puts such an emphasis on wealth and not emotional wellbeing and it is so disappointing.

I need to be creative. I need to do something that enables me to express myself, design things, collaborate with others and most importantly feel free. I feel as if I've created some fictional job that doesn't even exist in this dimension. I'm sure 99% of the population would much rather be doing something of this nature, but it just isn't there. Creative work just isn't where the money is, at ground level, and it's so hard to make a break-through in the creative world without connections and some wealth already behind you.

Part of it also comes down to confidence. Do I have the confidence to tell my parents that I want to pursue something like music and crush their dreams of me living a financially secure life? Probably not. It's difficult to break out of a mold that people have crafted for you I suppose.

If you asked me what the point of this post was, I wouldn't be able to tell you. I'll read this back again tomorrow and wonder why I was whining about something so trivial. It's just nice to write, and it stops me from embarrassing myself by actually saying it out loud.

Trying Again

Right, hello (again).

It's been almost three years since I last updated this blog - I may have forgotten it existed.
Since then, a few things have changed:

• I'm at university studying English.
• I'm 20 now. I'm old (and responsible, kind of).
• I'm possibly more jaded and disenfranchised than before.
• I actually want a job.
• My confidence in my appearance has increased.
• My confidence in my personality has decreased.

All-in-all, it's been quite a quick three years. In all honesty, I can now understand why adults always speak about how "time flies". It actually does, and it's scary. Almost every day at around 9PM, I go into Panic Mode, which involves me scouring the internet for jobs, internships, and other opportunities that will subdue the feeling of me wasting my time on this mortal plane. So far this has led to me having no job. Somehow I managed to keep a job from the age of fourteen until eighteen, but now that I'm twenty and actually have life experience, nobody wants me.

I want to write more. I want to get my opinions out and to explore them further. This old, malnourished, and feeble blog will serve as the vessel for this. And if I don't post again in the next three years, I will be so angry at myself.

No Ambition = Worthless?

When you're growing up, you're expected to be filled with ambitions and dreams of what you want to do in your life, and you're also expected to have the motivation to fulfill these dreams. The majority of people around you usually seem to have ideas of what they want to do, such as which profession they want to work in, however sometimes there can be exceptions. I was, and still am, one of these exceptions. It can be difficult growing up with no idea of where you want to go in life, especially when you're surrounded by people who are filled with ambition and the energy to go for what they want in life. It can be difficult feeling like your life, and perhaps your personality, are lacking to a certain degree, as it feels as if it's leading up to nothing; just one big anti-climax. We spend our youth wishing it away, wanting to leave school, to get a job, to do other things, yet when you're the youth who doesn't want time to move, things can get tough. Teachers and parents try and tell you the importance of making plans, plans for the future, but they don't have an effect; you remain the same. No matter how many times you're told, nothing sinks in, nothing has an impact, nothings changes. You feel like a corpse. You'll never move. Nothing will ever change in your life, you'll still be the same lazy and worthless bag of flesh that you were to begin with.

These are the messages you're told. If you're not thinking about future, what are you thinking about? It's the most important thing, right? There's no need to live for the present; it's all about the future. Many people simply give in and go with what teachers and parents tell them to do. They fake it. They get a job in a profession that they're not interested in, and live their lives the way that they've been told to. But does it make a difference? You had no opinion in the first place, so doing something like this is the same, isn't it? No. Just because certain people seem indifferent towards their futures, does not mean that they no longer have an opinion. I know what jobs I wouldn't want to do. I know what things in life that I don't want to do.

Perhaps me and the others are just afraid of commitment. I, personally, don't want to get tied down to one thing, and live that way for my entire life. I want variety; I want spontaneity. I don't want to be bored anymore. The only problem is the picking. The picking and the choosing of what it is I want to do with the life that I didn't even ask for. Don't get me wrong, I'm not ungrateful, life can be great, perhaps, but I'm just unsure of what to do with it.

Perhaps it's an age thing. Maybe I'll grow out of it.